The last couple weeks have been a pure test of how much I could handle on top of everything else going on. Av's hit the first sleep regression she's ever experienced and boy let me tell you, that was fucking rough. Most often then not, she gives mama what she needs and sleeps around 8 hours a night then another 2 hours after her first wake up. So technically she can run off 10 hours of sleep which has been 👌🏻 but the last few weeks, we've been running off of 6 hours of sleep and 4 wakings during the night, which isn't really ideal for our situation, it was weird though. This time last year if you would have asked me to function off of 6 hours I would have laughed at you, 10+ was the magic number to be able to function half normally but after 8 days of interrupted sleep, I managed to not only function properly, but I managed to organize my husband a birthday party, bake and decorate him a cake, bake and decorate cupcakes, clean the house all while managing a cranky baby. I pulled through. And I actually even felt good the day after, usually if I'm super tired and busy and there's a lot of stimulation, I'm a write off for up to a week. This time I was actually okay, so I consider that HUGE progress in my books!
We got back from camping the other day and all the paddle boarding and lack of sleep and it finally caught up to me, I had a couple days where I was really burnt out and just a mess. Now the last few days I've really been struggling to cope and im getting scared for what the future holds. I feel like Ava's brain is developing so fast and she needs all this stimulation, and not as many naps, where as my brain is still recovering and I need less stimulation and more sleep. So we're kind of working against eachother right now. She's been sleeping a lot less at night and so busy during the day and the temper tantrums, whining and crying when she doesn't get her way really starts getting to me. I'm scared because how am I supposed to be a good mom and give her all the time and attention she needs from me, when I need the complete opposite? I have so much help and I'm so grateful for it but I feel guilty about asking for it. It makes me feel like I can't handle being a mom, and I HATE that people have to put their lives on hold to help me out. that makes me feel like a bad mom. I just wish there was a support group or something for other new brain injured moms going through similar experiences..I've done all the research I can and I can't seem to find anyone in a similar situation as us so it's been a lonely rough go over here. I just need to remember to stop putting so much pressure on myself to getting back to "normal".
On another note I think I mentioned in my last post that I did a peripheral vision field test? Well I phoned and got my results, they said that there were a few deficits but nothing to be too concerned about, so basically it was all normal, which was a pleasant surprise for me because I do notice that my eyes get tired and like zone out almost? And I don't know if it's because of the lack of sleep, but Ive been noticing that any sort of bright light has really started to effect me recently, like it's so bright that I have to squint and everything bright has like a weird glow to it, like even my phone is extra shiney and reflective the last few days and if it's still super annoying I'll get a head ache. I actually thought my brain was bleeding again because this is a new thing to happen this frequently.
Also the interior health OT phoned me on Friday and wants to get together to talk about starting those sessions, so I'm kind of looking forward to that.
Next Friday Ava is turning one. I was so excited about planning her birthday party and was so fired up to see all our friends and family together, but yesterday was a reality check for me. We went to a friends baby's first birthday and there was people and talking and lots of kids, and Avs more active now, and she sees all these kids walking and is getting mad she can't, she wants to climb everything, she was hitting kids and throwing tantrums when you told her no. I got SO drained so fast. We were only there for 2 hours and so was so stressed out and over stimulated that we had to leave early. I had a pounding headache, my eyes felt like they were going to explode and bawled my eyes out on the way home because I was so sad about our situation. I can't even have fun at a friends birthday without getting over stimulated.. I just needed to lay in a dark room for a while and decompress, and that's exactly what I did for a few hours while Josh took Av to a friends house so I can have a break. Now I'm so nervous for her party, like am I going to be breaking down mid party because of all the stimulation? Then I start going downwards in a spiaral because I won't even be able to enjoy my baby's first birthday. This is a huge deal and I don't know if I'll be able to have any fun.
I'm not trying to make this sound like a pitty party but.. why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? It takes alot out of a woman to become a mom and a good one at that. But then to add this shit on top of it all? Why is the world testing me. I try to not sit and think about what happened and live in the moment, but sometimes it gets to me, and when I let myself think about it, I get angry. Angry at the world.
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