It's been a hot minute since I last updated you guys, in my last post I talked about how my counsler was going to help me with DBT and a bit of CBT. However after that session I've found I haven't really needed it! The resources she gave me have helped so much. I've been using the "name it to tame" it method so often that it's just part of every day life now!
So I've had a couple of huge recovery wins I wanted to share with you guys...
I GRADUATED OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY!! I'm so proud of how far I have come, and I am so beyond grateful that they took me on. My OT and his rehab assistant have forever changed mine and my families lives. My left hand is still a bit whacky (like it was touching a couple family members butts at Ava's second birthday LOL) but my balance is so much better. I can walk up and down stairs confidently even holding my baby now, I've learnt so many tips on how to manage my symptoms and how to plan my days and organize, my memory has improved ( my short term still needs work but it'll get there!) overall it's been such a wild journey with OT. They think now that it would be more beneficial for me to take what I've learnt from them and apply it to my everyday life, OT will never be official "ended" but I've just reached the limit on what they can help me with. Regardless it was a great experience (as great as it could be for someone that needs it) AND I've also made a new friend out of it!
Vision therapy has been paying off which is AMAZING. Goodbye Overstimulation & hello bits of living normal life again! Like, a couple weeks ago I was able to go to a wedding, hit the dance floor, talk to people I haven't seen for years, meet new people, and stay out until 9:30 and even drive home. Actually turns out that the photographer at our friends wedding was actually the first woman on scene at my accident, I was able to talk with her and thank her for supporting Josh through that hard time and just thank her for helping save my life, such a small world.. that's another story for another day though! Anyway, I woke up feeling great the next day! A couple weeks later, I managed to go out for dinner with some girlfriends to a louder restaurant, actually talk and be apart of the conversations, stay out until late and then drive home. AND THEN woke up the next day and went to the fair for a couple hours aswell! Like it's absolutely wild how in a blink of an eye life can change so positively. I find out on Monday if I can graduate Vision therapy soon or need to keep going, So I'm really excited about that!
Just when I started thinking that rehab was coming to and end and I was ready to close the chapter on my recovery journey; the next chapter started. The great nervous system reset. I've been noticing that my legs and body are always SUPER tense. When I'm laying down, standing, trying to relax, my body always is clenched. I went to the dentist last week because I thought my mouth was full of cavities, turns out I actually dont. My teeth are just starting to wear down faster because apparently I'm clenching my jaw all the time. I never actually paid any attention to that, but when I left I noticed that I actually am. So I'm getting a night guard for night time so my teeth stop wearing down, but that got me thinking. If my teeth are deteriorating because Im clenched constantly, what is my body doing that I dont realize? Is that why Im constantly in pain? I remember my Naturopath told me that my body is stuck in the "fight" response of fight or flight, my neurotransmitter test confirmed that as well. So I reached out to a few people in the tbi community and one woman recommended acupuncture, specifically for the nervous system. Another woman sent me some stretches to help relieve the tension in my jaw, neck,and shoulders and those have been helping too. I also brought this up with my counselor, and she actually has taken some courses specifically on somatic experiencing therapy, so I'll be starting that next month.
Back to the acupuncture, I'm super optimistic about every kind of treatment there is, it's out there for a reason so why not give it a try! So I booked in last week and had my first appointment on Wednesday morning. As I'm laying there with needles all over my body and in my head, I'm waiting for a wave of emotions or tears or like something to happen, but nothing did. I waited for the same body reaction when I flipped to my front, and nothing, I was just really tired and actually relaxed when I left there! I felt so happy to finally feel good, my acupuncturist told me that the feeling I'm getting of being clenched 24/7 especially at bed time is called restless leg syndrome. So that kinda hit me a bit hard, just when I think I can move past this something else comes up. So I did some research on that yesterday and Google told me it could be due to a lack of magnesium, a spinal cord injury due to trauma, and/ or damage to my neverves. So I automatically am relating back to my tbi, as to why I've aquired this new cork. That kind of threw me for a loop on Thursday, I started feeling sad and irritated about it that night before bed but I thought i could just sleep it off. I slept so good that night, but my dreams were super weird. I dreamt about work and how I'm really sad that I can't go back, then it switched to the ambulance quickly, then it switched it flashes of Josh and Ava and fast forward to when Ava's older, then I woke up. I felt really unsettled and weird about it all and I was just miserable all morning, I was so irritated and just straight up angry. I had all these thoughts and feelings pop in and out of my head.
I was choked at the fact that I've spent the last 2 years in survival mode as opposed to being all in with Av. I was mad that I'm only 29 and I feel like I'm in a 80 year old body because I'm so sore all the time. It's so frustrating because I haven't done anything for myself really, I don't get my nails done anymore because it's expensive and my money is going towards rehab for my brain & body, I go for massages not because it's relaxing, but because I'm in so much pain and it helps. Josh and Av especially didn't deserve a brain injured snap show emotionally unstable partner & mom. They deal with so much on the daily, my anger and irritability and that just doubles when I'm in pain or don't nap.( which is often) And what's eating me is the fact that we didn't even get to experience what first time moms celebrating their unborn babies get, I was robbed of my baby shower & maternity pictures I wanted to do. Like I think back now and it's not a big deal, but it was to me at the time. I just feel like im constantly having to make up the fact that Av wasn't celebrated enough (which is not true but my wild mind says otherwise) and then there's my job, I thought I accepted the fact that I won't be returning, but it just feels like unfinished business there. Like I was so proud of how far I came there, I worked endless hours and put so much effort in and actually liked what I did. And for it to just go *poof*, is such a disappointment and just maddening. I'm just tired, tired of constantly hurting, constantly having to be positive, having no self confidence, always questioning myself and the things I do/ say/ think. My brain is broken so why should I believe that what it's telling me to do is the right thing? I'm just overall tired of fighting. I just want to put it all behind me and live. What happened to us was just unfair, yes the outcome has worked out. And I'm grateful for that, but it's just taken so so much from me, from us. Like why?
All of these feelings I thought I had dealt with, I guess I just swept under the rug. I balwed my eyes out for like 2 hours yesterday while having a pity party and then I went and laid down. I guess the acupuncture did what it was supposed to do. I had to deal with all of these thoughts and feelings in order to fully move on, to reset my nervous system. I felt better after my nap, but I wasn't back to my normal "new" self. So I just sat in my emotions and feelings yesterday, took Av to town, treated us to some new outfits & then came home. It was nice to just get out and change the scenery, I went to bed lastnight with my head just spiraling about my restless leg syndrome, how this accident is taking so much from me physically, mentally and emotionally, how acupuncture actually works and how wild the human body is. And I woke up this morning feeling way better. I think just being able to let out what I apparently locked away helped, and then just writing about it here really helps too.
This is not supposed to be like a pity party, poor me post. It's more like a venting post, I was going to journal all these things but I figured I should just keep it real and post it here for you guys to see. I always try to keep a positive attitude, but there's only so much one could handle I guess. when I thought I could put stuff behind me, new things come up and that's okay. I'm hoping after a few treatments of acu and then of somatic experience therapy I can THEN just move on. Obviously keep maintenancing myself when I need to, I'll never be able to say that I no longer have a brain injury, but what I can say is that I'm a survivor and just leave it at that. Maybe one day I'll be able to stop labeling myself as the brain injured girl.
On the mom side!!
Ava turned 2 in September, her party was such a success. She's growing into the sweetest little girl filled with so much love and understanding. She had her first ever sleep over at babas and dedas in September too, they had so much fun. She Also went on her first EVER amusement part ride at the fair with all her little friends and absolutely LOVED IT. She's just livin her best friggin life, we're also considering putting her in day care 2 days a week starting March maybe just so she can have some social time and so I have some me time. I think she'll have a blast, she loves playing with other kids! So we'll see what happens come the spring. I'll just keep enjoying all the time and snuggles we share until the time comes!
It's been a wild journey and apparently it's not over yet 🤷🏻♀️ Thanks for sticking around and always being a support 🫶🏻
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