The last couple weeks I was doing so good, I would almost consider it as I was being my best self. I was prioritizing sleep, eating healthy, working out 4 days a week and I felt the best I've ever felt in a long time. I was motivated, happy and giving my 100% to Av and Josh. Then last Thursday happened, I pushed myself way to far over the edge. Because I was feeling so good I thought that I could tolerate more, but I was definitely wrong. Last Thursday I put myself in a very stimulating environment to go support my deda, there was doukhobor singing ( which is loud) and a lot of it, people talking into a microphone, a huge room full of people and family that I haven't seen for a while and then of course I had Av strapped to me and she's stimulating enough, whining and talking while the MLA is giving their apology. All eyes on me a few times, what we should have done was stay for a while and then duck out early, I should have worn my Loops but I forgot them at home and then I should have had Josh wear Av in the baby carrier. I mean over all the whole event was good, I felt pretty good all the way until the end. Wanna scare a brain injured person out of a room and fast? Have a whole bunch of people approach you at once while everyone is standing and moving around the room trying to leave. At that instant I got so overwhelmed, frantic and then panic mode set in. We left pretty fast and the second I got outside I felt a bit better but when we got to the car I got an instant headache. And that headache lasted 9 hours, I was exhausted. My battery was completely drained, the rest of the afternoon I just hungout on the couch exhausted and irritated. Then Avs nap time got really messed up that day so she was up till 9:45 at night. Come 9:30 I burst into tears and was bawling my eyes out over everything, the fact that I couldn't give my 100% to Av, and the biggest fact; that I'm broken. And then the depression sets in, I'm broken and I can't do things normal people can do without getting all messed up. Yes garunteed it was overstimulating for everyone, but does everyone get a 9 hour headache after experiencing that? Does everyone bawl their eyes out after something like that? Completely unrelated to the event because of all of the overwhelming mix of emotions catching up to you at once? And can't sleep for hours even after taking melatonin because your head is just non stop going with tinnitus and intrusive thoughts? I bet not. It's not normal. I had a feeling I'd be a write off for 2 days after and I was right, I just laid on the couch all day Friday didn't wanna clean, didn't wanna play with Av, I honestly didn't wanna get out of bed because I was just mentally exhausted and a little depressed honestly. Saturday was a lazy day too, but my left hand did something SO wild. Av was laying on the ground and my right hand went down to tickle her, my left arm was on the couch pillow and I swear I felt a spark shoot across my brain. The second my hand went to tickle her, my left arm lifted and my hand opened, closed and tickled the air at the exact same time my right hand was doing it. Josh looked at me and was like uhhh what was that? And I was like I have no idea... like WEIRD. The message sent to my right and it got it but it's like half of it went the wrong way 🥴 So then I got even more down on myself because that's weird AF...and then my left eye seems to do some weird things too, it feels like there's a grain of sand stuck in there and even after eye washing, crying, and looking for something you'd think all those tears or an eye wash would clear it out? But nope, my left eye swole up and it felt like my eyeball was actually swollen? And I've noticed it seems to happen when I get over stimulated. Not sure if that's coincidence or fluke but I'm keeping notes now. All of those things lasted until Sunday. After a good nights sleep, Josh being super dad and getting up with av at 4 and letting me sleep, I was feeling somewhat back to normal and my eye looked way better. I'd say my battery was 60%? Then we went to Joshs nephews hockey game and the drive to fruitvale was alot. Don't get me wrong it was so much fun, they killed it. I have 0 regrets going. But it was so loud in there, all the buzzers and the crowd cheering, then the music and then on top of that the net we were looking through was black and it's usually white to make it easier to look through, but this was black and it was in and out of my focus the whole game and it really messed up my eyeballs. I was exhausted when we left, my left leg was a lot slower and kind of dragging behind me. The whole drive home I couldn't help but feel like I am broken again. I can't even go to a kids hockey game without feeling like garbage after. I was exhausted, cranky, irritated and I snapped on Av when she started crying, she was crawling all over me and right then I just needed my own space and quiet and the opposite was happening. I felt like such a dick, she's a kid she doesn't understand. I finally got her down for the night and I couldn't help myself to think how shitty of a mom I've been all weekend. All I've done is cry, be unmotivated, irritable, cranky and just want nothing todo with being a mom. And then I felt even worse because I did this all to myself. How am I supposed to be my best self for my innocent daughter that just wants to play and have fun? And I wanted no part in it. Then the depression really sinks in, I want so bad to be able to do normal things and then still beable to be my best self for her, and I cant. I feel like I push myself harder for other people because they think I should beable to handle these things by now, it's been 2 years. Then I have high expectations for myself because I start to think that too, but then I get slapped in the face with reality and disappointment and that is the worst feeling. I want to be the best mom, wife, and friend but how can I be all of those things when I end up feeling like this after a couple days of leaving the house? It took everything in me this morning to get up and work out after a full nights sleep, I'm just so unmotivated and still just sad today. I clearly have alot more healing to do, we're 2 years into this and I need to be a bit more gentle withmyself. Who knew how much overstimulation effects mental health? My OT also did tell me today too that I need to be more understanding to myself, I have an injury to the most important part to my body. It takes time. 😕
emmaperepelkin
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