Pitty Party

I can totally see why they say depression comes hand in hand with a TBI. I wouldn't say i'm depressed all of the time, but it comes in waves. We've been keeping busy all winter, and its been cold and snowy so its made not leaving the house for fun more tolerable. Now winters coming to an end, the suns coming out. Which means camping, beaches, RZRing, being outside most of the day, and being around more people. But I have this little voice in the back of my head telling me that i'm living in a fantasy world. We have a baby now which will be a change in itself but I also forget sometimes that I have a brain injury. That I have a hard time being around big groups of people because it gets hard for me to stay focused on what's happening, to be apart of the conversation because processing what's being said and finding the right words to respond is hard for me. I get exhausted from being in a group of 5 people, never mind a camp ground full of family, a baby, busy people, kids on bikes, music and so on...All of these things I'm looking forward to involve things that are going to be a challenge. Also still not being able to drive is eating at me, the suns coming out and I feel bad that my husband or mom has to take time out of their summer days to drive me around to all of my appointments. Im feeling like a bother and an inconvenience to people, I know Im not either of those things. But its that little voice in the back of my head constantly making me feel like I am.. And the fact that I was told to take it easy for a year and to not really go RZRing, has really been a kick to the knees. We live for that. I feel like my husbands going to be missing out a lot because he'll be out trying to have fun, but will be constantly be worrying about me and our daughter.

I had a neuro psych eval on Thursday, it took 5 hours, that was exhausting. Basically they wanted to see how far I have come recovery wise since Kelowna and compare results. They want to see how my brain works, and how it processes things. It was as hard as I remember it being, I've done that eval 3 times now and Its still exhausting. All I wanted to do was nap after I got home, so my mom took our daughter up to her place for a few hours so we could recharge, Friday came and went, all I wanted todo was nap because I was still so burnt out from the evaluation. Today was the first day I felt good enough to try do some chores around the house, so I tried out the tractor for the first time today, It gave me hope about getting better enough to get back to my job one day, but if im completly honest the amount of concentration it took to focus on everything happening around me, and what my hands are doing, and where im going, was extreamly mentally exhausting during and very much after the fact. So I parked it once I started getting frusterated over the fact that it shouldnt be this hard to do something I used to be good at.

I thought the sun was supposed to bring out positivity and excitement over the coming summer months, not make people feel guilty and sad and scared of the coming summer months... On a more positive note, we added another family member. We got a dog, were considering her our therapy dog. Shes really put a smile on my husbands face, hes been going through a really tough time lately, the events of the accident, and all of the other things that happened around that time has started catching up to him. He stopped sleeping and eating for a week, didnt want to get out of bed, was so unmotivated and irritated. It had us worried, but since getting Goose Ive noticed a change in his mood in a good way. hes starting to act more like himself again. I think all of the family walks we've been going on have also helped us both, they do say " walks are good for mental health" Im hoping with the sun coming out I'll start feeling more positive towards the up coming summer weather.