I've been really digging deep into my feelings lately, and I've figured out that I've got another huge weight on my shoulders. As well as the Ambiguous loss weight, Av being my security blanket weight, im also carrying a whole bunch of fears and sadness for my daughter. I feel like I've stripped her of her right to be raised by a "normal" mom. And by normal I mean not brain injured.
My heightened emotions, noise sensitivity and over stimulation have turned me into a snapshow I guess you could say. I get frustrated easily, especially when I am tired ( which being a mom you're always tired), or when she's being needy and clingy, I love the extra snuggles but sometimes I get over whelmed and just want to feel like a person again. So with all of these pieces, I feel like I'm depriving her of a happy loving mom and the only thing she's going to know is frustration.
I always thought if I had a baby that I would be my absolute best self for them. And now here we are, I'm some sort of self for her, trying to navigate all of these hightened emotions all while trying to keep a mini human alive and raise her to be a good human.
The list just keeps going on with fears raising a daughter with a head injury.
How will she turn out?
Will she be a decent human being or will she aquire some of my new "unique" corks?
Will she get made fun of in school for having a brain injured mom?
They say children raised by a brain injured parent, they are more susceptible to child abuse. What if one day I just snap? I'm scared for myself as she gets older and needs more from me that I won't be able to give her more, what if she sucks me dry energy wise and I just lose it? Right now when I get worked up, I put her in a safe space with her dad and I go take a few minutes to myself to scream, shower or cry. But how is it going to be as she gets older? I DONT want to fall into that statistic. I will do everything in my power to make sure I don't, but there's still the what if fear.
What about sports and sleep overs in the future? I get over stimulated with just one kid what if she wants to bring over friends?
And what if she isolates herself from having friends come over and has no interaction because she's scared of hurting me? I don't want her to miss out on kid things.
I don't want her to miss out on anything in life, and I feel like by having a brain injured mom she just might, because I can't handle it.
These are all of my intrusive thoughts that run in my head on the daily. And I am absolutely terrified that I'm going to hold her back in life, because she'll be too worried about how her moms going to feel. I don't want her to miss out, and it breaks my heart thinking that it is a possibility. I feel like I try to push myself alittle harder just so I can make sure none of these fears become reality.
Im doing my absolute best, and sometimes; most times, I feel like that might not be enough.
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