They really don't joke when they say growth spurts suck..Then with teething combined, we have one cranky, clingy, whiney baby. Baby wearing saves the day. The doctors say that you need a quiet, calm environment for TBI healing, but if anything motherhood is anything BUT those things. Especially recently, our girl has found her voice a few days ago. I wake up to her talking and chewing her fingers, then we move to the living room and she watches coco melon for a bit. Gives mom time to fully wake up, she then persists to laugh and talk to the Tv and has somehow figured out how to screech at the top of her lungs, yup you read that right. In the middle of conversations, when you put her down so you can pee, but most importantly when you're not paying attention to her. This has been going on all day, I really don't mind. The conversations she has with herself, me, her dad, her toys and the TV are so cute, its the constant whining and crying that sends me for a loop. I sometimes have to leave the room because I get so irritated and gather my thoughts and then come back and see what she needs.. She picks up on that vibe and cries even harder, so its a constant self inflicted loop. Some days I think to myself that im not cut out for this, that Im over it and I quit. I know that's not fair of me to say, she's just a baby, she's going through stuff & needs her mom. I totally understand and I feel like an asshole even typing that out. I love being a mom, and I love being her mom, and listening to her cute laugh and seeing her smile makes it ALL worth it. But sometimes... For a split second..I wish there was a pause button on life, just so I can have 3 minutes of quiet so I can collect my thoughts, feelings, and give my head a break. Lastnight was a rough one. First off, I peed myself from laughing so hard, and when I talk about peed myself. Yes I mean my whole bladder.. mom life... Our daughter went down what I thought was for the night at 8.. Jokes on me, she woke up ready to party at 1:30am. I woke up exhausted, half asleep we went out to the living room and she played on her mat for an hour. I fed her and thought maybe she would take it easy on me and go down painlessly, but it was everything but painless. My left shoulder, that I could only assume is injured from the accident hurt so bad lastnight that I couldnt even pick my baby up off of her playmat on the floor. I felt like such a failure. How can I be a mom if im this physically broken? I had a melt down with all of these thoughts and guilt. I havent cried that hard for a while, my sobbing woke my husband up at 2:30 and said hes here to help, and that crying doesnt do any good and just stresses our baby out more. after 20 minutes of him rocking her to sleep, he finally got her down. I love that hes so hands on. I am so appreciative of him and so grateful that hes so willing to help with her. I really dont know how many times I can say thank you. I lucked out with him big time.
Ive been feeling really guilty the last few weeks. My husbands been going through a really hard time. He went on stress leave at work, and you have people asking. "Whats going on? Why are you going on stress leave?" Like they even need to ask that. He watched his wife and his unborn child almost die, hes getting constant flashbacks, and hes constantly worrying about us when hes away at work. While we were in Kelowna, he missed his grandmas funeral, so there was no closure for him. Then on top of that his dad got sick. He had so much to cope with as well as becoming a new dad, and thinking that he was going to have to raise our daughter without me. We didnt know the extent of my brain injury at the time, so he was mentally preparing for the worst. Since we left Kelowna, I feel like the spotlight has been on me and my recovery, and of course our daughter. Between our support coming and helping out, and making sure were sleeping and that Im making it to my appointments, I feel like my husband and his experience got left in the dust. Yes I suffered the truama physically, but I wasnt there mentally, and he was. He suffered the mental and emotional trauma that is now catching up to him. Watching him go through this hasnt been easy on any of us, nevermind him. We're really appreciative of him taking a leave to not only help us out at home, but to take care of himself. That takes a real man. And im so proud of him.
I also had my first occupational therapy session on the 24th, it was so good. She has a whole chart of things she wants to work on, and has an actual program she came up with. It brings me so much hope, Ive noticed though after OT I suffer a bit of PTSD. I cant fall asleep, my mind is just racing. Flash backs, different emotions, and a bit of a reality check once a week I guess? Its almost like were taking a microscope to my deficits and now that theyre all coming to light, im noticing how screwed up I actually am. Im 28 years old and i cant even walk and balance on a 2x4.. its so frusterating. My husband reminds me that I wasnt even walking 7 months ago and to be gentle to myself, but its so hard and almost a bit depressing to go from the old me to the new me. The me that used to be able to go to a concert, a hockey game, or simply shopping without having to worry about getting over stimulated and irritated and sleeping for days on end to regain enough energy to be a mom. What we went through feels like a dream or a not so funny joke honestly. Like it never happend, and explaining it to people seems like its so out of this world. Im so grateful to be where im at today but im having a hard time coping with this new Emma, the Emma that needs to slow down and think about what she says and does. The Emma that has a whacky left side cork, the Emma with no filter, the Emma that cant drive, and thats get overstimulated and has to nap for 2 days after going to a childs hockey game, that gets irritated easily at anything and everything, and the Emma that pees her pants from laughing so hard. They say its going to get better with time, but im still waiting for that time.
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