Last week I sent my daughters birth certificate to Mumbai, this week I go to wash the dirt off my right hand and my left hand was making the same motions that my right one was doing as if it was under the water too. The other whacky thing it did this week, was I went to itch my nose with it and it completely missed and touched beside it, like missed the spot completely. Can you say weird? Between that, and forgetting words all of the time and then sending her birth certificate half way across the world, I sometimes feel like I'm going backwards. But in reality I'm just tired and that enhances my symptoms big time. I am REALLY hoping all of this occupational therapy helps my left hand though, at least to the point where it's not thinking it's washing itself under the tap when the other hand is.
On the more positive side, I've noticed since starting weight training that I've got a lot more energy throughout the day, and I'm sleeping way better. We also went to an outdoor event this weekend with tons of people, a person talking into a microphone and a loud speaker, snowmobiles running, people talking, dogs barking, having conversations with friends I haven't seen for a while, and ALL with my busy girl. I survived, and I didn't get mentally fatigued as much as I would have a few months ago. So to me that's a big win!!!
Momming has been UNREAL this week. Like I feel like the last few days have been one huge epic mom fail, and it's only Monday. Saturday Av started swimming lessons, so naturally I wanted to keep things simple for myself when we got there so I got her into her swim diaper and bathing suit under her clothes so she's ready to hit the water when we get there. She napped on the way into town so I thought this was going to be perfect, she'll be in a good mood it's going to be fun! We get to the changeroom and I take her pants off and as I'm folding and putting them down I notice a huge wet spot. I had absolutely no idea that these swim diapers don't absorb pee, so she pissed herself and it soaked through. So I had to strip her down and change her diaper and as I was doing that she was getting irritated with me, she didn't wanna put a diaper on. It was such a todo my friend had to help me out. We finally get her swim suit back on and we hit the lesson, it was so much fun and she absolutely loved it. Now it's time to get out and go get changed, I start stripping her down and remembered her pants were pissy.. I checked the diaper bag and of course I forgot a change of pants for her. So as I'm dripping wet I'm using the hand dryer to dry her pissy pants and she's running on the wet slippery floor and yelling at me because she's ready togo. I dry her pants and she's NOT having getting dressed. She has the BIGGEST melt down she's bawling and screaming and running and falling mean while I'm now trying to get myself dressed. I'm like naked as she's running to the door as people are walking out, she's trying to escape and leave, it was such a hassle. Normally I would use the playpen the pool provides but there was another baby in there and I didn't know how she was going to act so I didn't put her in. She freaked out the entire time I got dressed, I was in a full body sweat from embarrassment and chasing her down to try get her shoes and socks on and she's still not happy. It was awful, I finally get everything on and I get to the car and I just cry.
I feel like yeah every child has meltdowns in public and it's normal and not to be so hard on myself but honestly, a part of me believes that it's harder for me and more stressful because I am trying super hard to contain my emotions, and fight my impulsivity because 1) I have no filter so I'm biting my tongue the entire time and 2) I have a tendency to yell when I'm frustrated so I'm really trying to watch myself and hold it together in public, all while trying so hard to not lose my shit and throw my own hissy fit as badly as I want to. Talk about self control.
Next fail;
She slept allll through the night for the first time in weeks saturday night, woke up after 11 hours and was in a perfectly good mood. So I thought it was going to be a good day. I got to enjoy not one, but two cups of HOT fresh coffee. Not microwaved after sitting for 3 hours coffee, but hot and fresh it was absolutely perfect. After that I figured I should clean the house, I haven't done house chores in weeks ( don't judge me it's hard todo anything with a toddler) but I managed to sweep and mop the floors, do the dishes, and garbages. Then it was time to tackle the weeks and weeks worth of laundry sitting by the washing machine. I get it all washed and then the cat pisses on it. So I have to re wash it. And if that wasn't frustrating enough... I get it re-washed, and I start sorting it to get it put away and here comes Av with a fruit pouch, squeezing it and waving it around like a friggin flag, apple sauce went all over the clean clothes, the white bedsheets, and the freshly mopped floor.. I was choked, I screamed not at her but just out loud out of frustration, and then I burst into tears. My husband calms me down and we laugh about this because it's literally just the start of this. 18 more years togo of this.. woohoo 😂! Then I sit her down in her high chair for a late lunch, she eats half and then smears her pizza off her try all over the clean floor. Pizza sauce and spinach are everywhere... and she just laughs at me.
These last 2 days have taken what feels like 15 years off my life, but then Av smiled at me yesterday with teeth when I asked her to show me her pretty smile, then smothered me in kisses and that, made all of the hard times worth it. No matter how rough and hard it is. I absolutely love it. And the positive recovery wins are great aswell, this whacky left hand? Well not so much but it's a work in progress.
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