A whole new life

Well the last couple weeks have been busy. Juggling appointments, house work and momming has been exhausting..productive but exhausting. We got our garden started and our flower bed officially finished so we’re really excited. Who knew taking the May Long weekend to adult would be so satisfying? This is the first year that we haven't gone up the Duncan camping And side by siding with our friends, So it's been different, but we're loving it!

In between house work and being a mom, I’ve been squeezing in my at home OT rehab plan and some physio! The physio has been making me feel so much better, foam rolling out my back once a night makes it so much less painful to breathe. And when I say it hurts to breathe it’s probably an 8/10 but I’ve just gotten used to it. I guess where my compression fractures were, my ribs attached

In that area are having a hard time moving to help my breathing. I started seeing chiro again last week too, apparently I’m not as messed up as I thought I would be! Which is great news, couple of ribs out of place so she fixed me up, and the next day I could hardly move. It was brutal how sore I was, then to throw in physio too it’s been a rough, stiff, pain filled couple of days but we’re managing!

I’ve been struggling not only physically lately.. I’ve also been struggling mentally too. I’m still not driving, in order todo so I have to go to Vernon and do a driving assessment. Its a 5-7 hour long assessment.. first they do a clinical assessment, then a highway assessment. The clinical basically involves testing my cognition, my spatial awareness and everything in between. Then after that you do a highway assessment, and depending on how that goes they’ll send you to driving rehab for brain injured drivers to be able to work on the things you struggled with on the assessment. Sounds easy right? Well it would be for anyone that isn’t going through what I am. I get overwhelmed and shut down after 3 appointments, then visiting with people all in the same day. Im a write off for 3 days after that, even the drive to Vernon would be too much. So imagine how I’m going to be able to do this 5-7 hour eval.. I don’t think I’m ready. Never-mind not really being behind the wheel very much for 9 months.  And then on top of that all, I’ve been really struggling with the social aspect. I went from working full time, seeing people all day every day to just me my baby and I most days. Occasionally we get visitors, but basically from close friends or family or I talk to people on social media. I talk to a baby all day every day.. Sometimes I find Im talking to Josh like how I talk to Ava. Im scared I’m going to forget how to talk to normal adults.  I feel like I’m losing bits and pieces of myself some days, sure being a mom is amazing and I wouldn’t change it for the life of me. But some days I wish I could just crank my favourite metal tunes and go for a drive to get the anger I have towards this situation out. But listening to my favourite kind of music gets over stimulating after a few songs. Where as before I had 11 hours of straight metal and heavy rock I would listen to all day everyday while I was working. And then there’s the work aspect that’s eating me alive too, I worked my ass off to get to where I was in the company. Not to brag, but I was the first female in the log yard operating equipment in 80 friggin years. I had what I think, was a good name for myself, and from what I heard and still hear is that I was good at it too. Not to mention I REALLY loved what I did for work. The fact that my tiny little hands can move full on logs and deck logs super high. I loved it. And to have been told that I might not ever be able to operate again, due to how bad my spatial awareness is heartbreaking for me. How can I swing logs in a busy sawmill yard, while trucks and loaders are working so close to each other,  and I’m still walking into walls and can’t get off the tractor properly? I’m devastated. So im working super hard on my rehab plan at home when I can!  They say everything will get better with time, and that we’re still super early in the recovery stages but like, how much time is considered “better with time” I need to be more patient with myself and I’m learning how todo that, but some days it gets the best of me and I get angry and sad about this whole situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to be able to be a stay at home mom. But the world is expensive, and the treatments are expensive. Might be time to start thinking about a career change but to what?