Some of you guys are probably like "oh this girl is still talking about her accident, it's been a year and a half. Get over it", "it's happend, its time to accept it and move on", "you can't let this accident define you as a person",or "you need to be more positive and take a step forward and stop living in the past."
Well sure, that may seem like a piece of cake. It's all so much easier said then done, you guys read about it and don't actually see it on the day to day, but I lived it and I'm dealing with the repercussions of it in real time. So way easier said then done. I'm honestly doing my best to try and move on.. During my session with the concussed moms group today, a woman nailed exactly how I've been feeling, why I'm kind of stuck in this hole of greieving and sadness almost? And I learnt today that there's a term for it, and it's called Ambiguous Loss, I couldn't figure out why I get so sad when talking about my accident. I'm still here, my recovery journey is going half decently, I have a beautiful daughter that's thriving, my support team is SO supportive. I should be grateful, I AM grateful for all of these things, I am SO grateful for my life and how things have turned out, don't get me wrong. I love parts of my life, and I'm accepting other parts, and learning new parts,but there still seemed like something missing, why I talk about my story so much, and the woman put her finger on it. and it hit me hard; Ambiguous Loss.
Here's the definition;
Ambiguous loss happens when you're grieving someone who is still living. It's different than the grief you experience when someone you love passes away. That kind of loss is finite and certain, and there's no question you should feel pain. Ambiguous loss happens when something or someone profoundly changes or disappears. A person feels torn between hope things will return to normal and the looming sense that life as they knew it is fading away like a Polaroid developing in reverse
Like that is the 10000% truth. You're probably thinking now, yeah you're never the same after having a baby and becoming a mom. Well that is partly true. Yes you change, you grow, but the old parts of yourself pre mom are still there. But for me that's not the case, I'm learning how to be a new version of the Emma I once knew, this new Emma has all these new personality corks, I act differently, my emotions are more hightened then everyone else's, I get over stimulated easier then I did ever, and the biggest one, is the fact that this Emma has a whacky left hand. Yes yes I know we've come back to the hand. But it's more then that, my whole left side is slower then it was before. So I've come to realization, that I talk about this so much because I think deep deep down, that If I do, it'll bring the old Emma back, the Emma that would have grown into a mom but still would have kept the pieces that made her, her. Where as now, I didn't get closure, I didn't get to really say goodbye or wrap my head around it all, I had something awful happen to me that I didn't ask for, so I'm grieving the old Emma, that had a good left hand and could operate equipment, an Emma that doesn't get eaisly angered when things are not off schedule, the Emma that's emotions we're not heightened so quickly when a baby cries.
It is one thing to grow into motherhood from your old self, but having to learn a new self all while trying to grow into motherhood Is profound.
This definition to this word is 1000000% how I'm living my life right now, I have no idea how to grieve it or how to move on from it. But I also didn't know there was a term for it, so we have a starting point now. I'm interested in what my counsler has to say about it! I hate sounding super ungrateful, that's not what this is about. It's about finally finding a label on this feeling that I've been holding on my shoulders for so long. Im grateful for it all, I love my life as it is, I have no regrets, my life has turned out how it was meant to be, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad about losing parts of myself that I wasn't prepared to lose. 🥴
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