I've been doing some deep self reflection lately, about why I'm doing specific things, and this new one I've figured out totally makes sense.
I'm finding that other moms are dropping their kids off with baby sitters or family support during the day so they get some time for themselves. And I totally think that's such a great idea, and I have family offering to hangout with Av for a couple hours, But I get super bad anxiety about it and I've put my finger on why.
In my last post I talked about ambiguous loss and how there's a new Emma that I'm learning about currently. But lastnight I've come to the conclusion that Av has been a constant for this new Emma. She's basically another part of me, a new part of this new Emma, and has been there basically throughout all of my recovery and learning about my new self. She's been a constant and all I really know so far for this new Emma, So I rely on her schedules and herself personally. she makes me feel safe and needed. And if I let her get watched by other people, then I won't know what todo with myself. I haven't been able to just have time to learn about my new self without her here, and I'm honestly not sure if I want too. I'm scared too, I'm not sure about who I am with out her, so I keep her close because I know who I am with her. And I like who I am with her. She gives me purpose and we have fun together, I'm just scared that I won't know what todo with myself if I'm alone, and that I might give into all of these emotions I've been feeling and just have a mental breakdown and not be able to come out of it.
You know how kids have a baby blanket or a favourite stuffed animal because it makes them feel safe and secure? Ava is that for me. She's my safety, and my comfort. And as weird and clingy as that sounds, that is why I'm a "Velcro mom". We co-sleep because I say that it's just easier for me to get the most sleep I can, because that's true. And if she wakes up she'll fall back asleep easier as opposed to waking up in her crib, crying until she's wide awake, then having to put her back down from scratch again. Which is also true, but I'm like 99% sure we co-sleep because as I said before, she's my security. She makes me feel safe, and without that I have no idea what I would be like.
This might cause issues down the road with independency, but I have a feeling that it's going to be more so on my end....... I feel sick even saying that out loud. I'll have to get over this dependence on her in the future, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. As for now, she's still small and doesn't complain about the snuggles and being with me 24/7 so I'll take it!
I really truely hope I'm not offending my family, and making them feel like I'm holding her back from having relationships with them. And I know this is SUPER selfish of me, but I honestly can't help it. Maybe now that I'm aware of it I can try detach my self a bit? I guess we'll have to just see. I can't believe I even said this out loud and admitted it to you guys 🫣
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