Wow! It's been a whole month since I posted last, it's been a SUPER busy month. Lack of sleep, lots of overstimulation blips, lost motivation, on the brighter side though there been some progress on Avs face rash and allergies so everything is getting figured out, and our story has been getting shared by the tbi/concussion community which I am forever grateful for!
The whole reason why I started this blog was to not only keep you guys updated with my recovery, but to make this "invisible injury" be seen. And to obviously help other moms suffering with TBIs and PCS feel way less alone, theres very little support out there besides the CLF concussed moms zoom meeting that happen once a month. Besides that though, there needs to be more awareness so I thought I would do my part and hopefully help other struggling moms out there!
Okay so I've had much lack of sleep that I've just been in survival mode but last night Av slept super well, so I finally feel good enough to take a little bit of time and share with you guys. Between Av popping 2 molars and fighting her itchy face rash, shes been super uncomfortable when she's sleeping, so she wakes up scratching and crying. This poor girl went through the ringer and she sure took me with her haha! We got her allergy test results back and some allergens totally made sense, but there was one that surprised us. Avocado, we were giving it to her daily because she loved it so much. It seems she's super allergic to it so that's why her face was flaring up! We both also had Perioral Dermatitis, which explains why the Benadryl would only work on half her face (the avo allergy) so with the right cream, and the right allergy free diet Av is fixed right up and happier then ever!
So with all of these appointments between the doctor and the naturopath, and a cranky sleepless toddler leads to the overstimulation troubles...I was doing so well in December and January and half of February working out wise, I felt so great and when I over stimulated my self the very first time I just fell off the rails with my mental health and my own sleep. And when those went out the window, so did my motivation and drive to get up and make myself feel good. I think that ties into the whole mental health aspect too. I wouldn't actually consider myself depressed, but when I do get overstimulated it kinda comes in a wave with that and I feel like I just haven't come out of the first wave. Then I was overstimulating myself more frequently, and yes I know that Ive been learning how to deal with this for almost 2 years now, but when your a mom you don't really have a choice to put your needs first.
How I feel when I'm over stimulated;
The mental fatigue is unreal
I wake up feeling exhausted
I don't want to be touched
I'm easily irritated, and cranky and turn into a snapshow
The noise sensitivity seems to get way worse.
My spatial awareness is half decent but it seems to get really bad
The left side of my body gets laggy
All I want to do is be alone
Intrusive thoughts are worse then normal
I lose all motivation to do anything, even clean or feed myself, or look after my kid but I don't have a choice being a mom.
These feelings last for about a week, sometimes longer depending on the situation. And I hate the person I am in that week. Im horrible, and I feel horrible and Av doesn't deserve a mom that is like that. My needs are pushed to the back burner and I get irritated with that. So then I'm more irritated. Then after the week ish all these symptoms seem to get better, but then this wave of depression seems to hit. I need to break this wave but I'm not sure how to get motivated again. It's hard to be a mom and constantly being touched and needed especially when that's the last thing you want in that moment, so I feel like I'm a bad mom sometimes or even feeling like this. I love my daughter and I love her touching me and snuggling me and needing me. So it's a super hard fight that I'm fighting with myself and I hate it.
On another note, my Neruotransmitter test results are in, and I'll have them on Friday! I'll post a pic of the box, and then if anyone's interested you guys can do some research on it! And my Vision therapy appointment in Kelowna is booked for April 8th. I was super optimistic about this and kind of excited to see what they would find, but after talking to some people that have done this, they say that they got wiped out for like two weeks after their initial assessment and then about a week after with the follow up treatments. Apparently it's just a lot of work for your brain. So I'm really nervous, I don't want to be living in months of overstimulation and acting and feeling like the way I described previously. Ava deserves a mom that can be there, all in, all of the time, and my husband deserves someone who can pick up the slack when needed. But there's somedays my brain just isn't having it. I feel so bad because they both deserve more then I have to give some days. And as Ava gets older she needs more attention and more stimulation. And she's physically getting bigger and heavier so my body can't keep up.
I've also really started noticing too, that when she doesn't take her nap at home in bed and say, is in the car and she doesn't get a full couple hours. I don't get to just have my break in that time to lay in bed and nap myself or to just lay in bed with my eyes closed and rest. So when her naps cut short or we're not home and I don't get to rest, I'm not my best self for her for the second half of our day. I can't enjoy the second half because I'm exhausted myself and am so wrapped up that she didn't get a full nap and expecting the worst for bed time that I just ruin the whole afternoon for myself. It's really hard to say if that's a mom thing or a head injury thing though. I think all moms love the break they get, then they have time to focus on their needs in that short amount of time. Then they're set up to give everything they have for the second half!
I know they say the brain injury road to recovery is not a straight line and it's got its ups and downs but lately I feel like there's more downs then ups 🥴
So for now I'll just keep truckin along, and doing my best and just keep living in the moment. 🫣
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