Learning Curves & Good Times

This this last week has been a less exciting but more of a learning week in the recovery side of things. My last OT appt is Friday which I’m not happy about, but we’ve come up with an at home rehab plan to make sure I keep on track. The only thing that I’ve been struggling with lately is my battle with intrusive thoughts and learning to control my emotions. Controlling my emotions has been hard, if I get over stimulated which has been happening a lot I get mad and irritated and confused then I get sad and shut down, or I lash out. So talking with my OT yesterday she gave me some good tools to add to my tool box for dealing with these episodes! I’ve been feeling pretty good the last few days, and everything started feeling back to normal until I bumped into someone I know, that I don’t see on a day to day basis. While chatting with him, I could feel my brain having a hard time processing what he was saying and it was working extra hard to have a normal conversation. I felt slow, awkward and exhausted after the conversation and then I felt really discouraged. I felt like I was actually brain damaged and not just brain injured. Like I can’t even have a normal conversation with someone without feeling like I’m not all there upstairs. It felt like I was hit with a reality check, and got instantly sad. I have to just bring myself to remember that just because I look fine. I still have an invisible injury that sometimes I forget about in the moment, I had a good cry on the way home. And the fact that I’m even writing this out I’m letting some tears out. This invisible injury is so hard to cope with actually. There’s so many layers to this, and it’s still really early on.. yeah 9 months feels like a long time but it’s still considered early, I hope it’s going to get easier to talk to people and easier to feel normal in normal every day situations.. The intrusive thoughts are new thing though that I’m experiencing and it’s weird. It’s like a little voice in my head telling me todo something that I wouldn’t normally do. It’s not telling me to murder someone, but basically it tells to do inappropriate things at inappropriate times. It’s wild. I thought maybe I was having a psychotic break, but it happens to come on with OCD and an anxiety disorder, which comes hand in hand with a brain injury. Which to some degree makes sense to me, I have always had a problem with anxiety even before the accident. But the OCD is a new thing, I didn’t really think anything of the stuff I do but I’ve got a pattern I do every night before bed. I categorized it as “ bedtime routine” but how is making sure both bathroom doors are closed and getting anxiety if they’re open part of a “bed time” routine? Not sure why I do it? I thought maybe to make sure the light from the windows in those rooms don’t come into the bedroom but we sleep with the door closed so how would that affect anything? But they have to be closed. It’s odd. But I guess the intrusive thoughts stem from that? Like we were in the no frills parking lot one day and I had to pee SO BAD and as I was putting Av into the car a thought popped into my head to just pee in the parking lot. Right there. But I brushed it away, then we were driving to town one day and I just finished a pop, and the thought told me to throw it out the window with a line up of traffic behind me. I brushed that away too, the the other day Josh and I were outside getting the garden started and I saw the neighbour come out on their porch and watching us work, the thought told me to just make out with him and make her watch but I was like “Emma that’s weird”. I don’t like it when it pops up, I just laugh when I hear these thoughts. Still don’t know how they tie to OCD, so I’ve got some learning todo here. I guess some people in worse condition then I am find it hard to not act on them. Where as I just brush them off, I think that’s how I know I’m getting better.. if I would just be doing the things these thoughts are telling me todo then that’s how I know I’m not getting better. It’s so weird. I’ve never experienced anything like it. But what’s normal when you’re living with a brain injury? There is no normal because each injury is so unique and individualized to the person. So they can’t say that this is a normal reaction because if you had what I have. There’s no guarantee that your symptoms would be the same as mine so it’s hard to judge. I’ve been told tho that this will get better and to think of it in a positive way, maybe it could even be a good sign? The next phase to healing?

On the mom side of things, our girl is getting so big.. she’s LOVING the solid food and LOVES sharing her breakfast with her whacky cat sister Zoe, they're both getting so chunky.. We love it. She’s been sleeping 10-12 hours the last couple nights & im so grateful. She woke up so chatty and pronouncing new things and making new sounds. Im so happy that’s she’s growing a lot but I’m also so sad.. time is going by so friggen fast I just can’t even wrap my mind around it. Like she’ll be 8 months old next week. 8 months how???? I’m so blown away that we’re going to have a TODDLER in 4 months. I want her to stay this small forever. I love waking up to her smiley face and I love her open mouth kisses and snuggles, her funny sense of humour and big blue eyes. She’s making this wild adventure so worth it and I wouldn’t want todo it with anyone else and our dog Goose is growing like a weed and menacing up a storm. But she’s listening better so that’s a plus!